One of the blogs I read posted a discussion today on how one cannot have a 'perfect' marriage by societies standards due to said standards being incompatible with Life (and self-contradictory).

Which got me thinking that maybe I should define for myself what a 'good marriage' involves. If anyone wants me to clarify something so that discussion can occur, please ask - my personal definitions of words and phrases and what they actually mean to me are no doubt different to yours :D Oh, and this list is in no particular order of priority.

1) Respect for self and respect for all persons involved
2) Communication
3) Shared goals (whether these be large or small goals doesn't matter)
4) The capacity to allow for change - NOT wanting to freeze each other and/or the world in amber or ice
5) The willingness to work together to make the relationship in question better
6) Shared values (not shared beliefs, nor shared opinions, but shared values)
7) Not being clones of each other

I reserve the right to add to this list as things continue to percolate through my brain, but you'll note that love and sex are not on this list, nor will they ever be. IMO a 'successful' marriage does not need romantic love, nor does it need to have a physical component. One would hope that one has enough respect for oneself to acknowledge those needs and be able to communicate those needs and thus get them seen to however that may happen. But they are not, of themselves, a necessary component. Nice to have, yes. Necessary? No.

From: [identity profile]

I guess "love" and "sex" can come under values or goals. Either/any party might be unwilling to participate in a "marriage" without these characteristics.

From: [identity profile]

*nods* Yup. If that is a non-negotiable requirement for a person, that they share romantic love and/or a sexual relationship with their partner, and they have the self-respect to know that AND have the respect for their partner to communicate that, then the partner can address whether or not this is something they are willing and/or able to provide.

Most (non-just-friends) relationships of the type I am talking about in our age group do have these characteristics. But it is not an innate requirement of ALL relationships.

From: [identity profile]

I agree with all of these, and think my relationship has them. There may be minor nuisances (like putting the milk in the fridge with one spoonful left as opposed to a drinking/cooking serving size), but in the main we have these things and I think it's helped.

And yeah, sex is nice, but it's not needed by all people (though again, it's nice).

From: [identity profile]

Marrage: sharing each other's Goals

I Find sharing each other's goals in a marrage does keep the bond stronger, but also trusting yourselve and trusting the relatetionship that you have with the one love.


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